The Lion Who Became King with Help From a Hyena
by Sulkie Wolfen
Summary: Spoof on The Lion King. Why must I even dignify this with a summary? DISCONTINUED.
1. Hairballs and Difficulties

Zazu flew in on Pride Rock, and bowed to King Mufasa.

"Asante sana

Squash Banana

We we nugu

Mi mi apana..." Rafiki sang to himself as he made his way up to Pride Rock. He put the ceremonial mark on Mufasa and Sarabi's son, Simba, and held him up for all to see.

"I wish he'd _drop_ him..." Zazu thought. "Oh, gee! That's _mean_!" He decided.

Blah the boring presentation is over now.

"I _can't believe_ it. I simply cannot _believe_ it. That little _hairball_ is my future _king_?" Scar made "quotes" with his paws as he said, "future king". "I should have been the king in the _first_ place! And, everyone in their right mind knows _that_, right?" He asked no one in particular. A mouse scurried near him.

"Ah. This'll make a meal, I was getting hungry." Scar told himself. He swiped at the mouse, and caught it in his paw.

"Life's not _fair_, is it? You see, I shall never be king." He paused, then added, "Or get a decent meal in this _scumbag_ of a home!" He then cleared his throat. "And _you_ shall never see the light of another day. Adieu." He stuck the mouse in his mouth, and half swallowed it, when

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to _play _ with your food?" Zazu asked. Scar choked for a moment, and then 'hairballed' the mouse, along with some slobbery black hairs from his mane in surprise.

"Ahem. Hairballs." Scar nodded as he said, smiling. The mouse scurried away.

"Oh, now look Zazu! You've made me lose my lunch!" Scar complained.

"Eh heh." Zazu chuckled sarcastically. "You'll lose more than that when the king gets through with you!" He added.

"He's coming? Ooh, let me guess... he's as mad as... oh say... I was when the hairball was born?" Scar wrinkled his nose.

"Madder. Like a hippo with a hernia." Zazu said.

"Ooh, I quiver with fear!" Scar cornered Zazu.

"And, since you made me lose my lunch, I'm gonna make you lose your throat!" He threatened. He chased after the screeching bird, and caught him by the wing.

"Scar!" Mufasa said. Scar had a feather in his mouth.

"Oh, you're here?" He meant to say, though it came out, "Mm-hmm-hmm?"

"Drop him." Mufasa ordered. Zazu said,

"Impeccable timing, your majesty!" Startled, Scar spit out the bird's feather.

"Ugh." Zazu complained.

"Why! If it isn't my big brother, descending from on high, to mingle with the commoners!" Scar teased.

"Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba." Mufasa said.

"That's the last place I'd want to go." Scar thought. "That was today?" Scar asked, pretending to make a pity out of himself. "Oh, I feel simply awful!" He said as he scratched his claws against the wall of the cave, making a sound like claws on a chalkboard. Zazu cringed at it.

"Must have... slipped my mind," Scar said, admiring his claws.

"Yes, well. As slippery as your mind is, as the king's brother, you should have been first in line!" Zazu insisted. Scar chomped at him, threatening.

"Well I was first in line. Until the litlte hairball was born, of course," Scar said, remarking Simba.

"That 'hairball' is my son, and your future king!" Mufasa said to him, angrily.

"Oh, I shall practice my curtsy," Scar said, sarcastically.

"Don't turn your back on me, Scar!" Mufasa warned.

"Oh, no Mufasa. Perhaps you shouldn't turn your back on me," He rolled his eyes and started walking off.

"Is that a challenge?" Mufasa was right back up with him.

"Temper temper!" Scar said. "I wouldn't dream of challenging you!" He added.

"Pity. Why not?" Asked Zazu.

"Well, as far as brains go I got the lion's share," Scar said. Looking at Mufasa, "But when it comes to brute strength..." He turned and started slumping off. "I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool."

"That ugly, dispicable rat!" Zazu spat. At seeing Mufasa's concerned face, he went for a lighter aspect.

"There's one in every family Sire. Two in mine actually. And they always manage to ruin special occasions." He complained.

"What am I going to do with him?" Mufasa asked Zazu.

"He'd make a very handsome throw rug!" Zazu suggested.

"Zazu!" Mufasa scolded.

"What?" Zazu asked, "And just think! Whenever he gets dirty, you could take him out to the dump and beat him!" He joked. Mufasa had to chuckle at the idea.


	2. Weird people are always monkeys

**The Lion Who Became King with Help from a Hyena -- Chapter 2**

**Notes :: **Thanks, y'all, for reviewing. I'm so happy that I finally have some fans! Anyway, so here comes the second chapter of TLWBKWHFAH. Now, all be thankful for a much longer chappie this time!

A few months later, Simba rose at dawn and went out to Pride Rock, to see the early sun rise, make sure it would be there. He caught sight of a large red ant, and licked it up.

"Ah! Disgusting!" He shrieked.

"Dad! Dad!" He ran in, screaming. On the way he 'accidentally' pounced on Scar. Scar had been awake, sucking on an Altoid. He quickly spit it out.

"What was that for?" Scar asked. But Simba didn't hear him.

"Dad! Dad! Wake up! You wouldn't believe this thing... it was the grossest thing I ever tasted! It was really spicy!" He blabbed to his father. Sarabi, his mother, drowsily opened one eye. Scar watched from a few yards away, his eye on Sarabi. He'd always thought she was cute. But, she was Mufasa's girl, and that wouldn't change soon.

"Looks like your son is awake." Sarabi groaned to Mufasa.

"Before sunrise he's your son." Mufasa answered. He snapped awake, at seeing Simba's red hot tongue lolling in front of him.

"Son? That's very rude! Today is the day I teach you about the Circle of Life!" Mufasa said.

"Oh, goody! Heh, heh. I forgot!" Simba confessed, pulling in his magically healed tongue. Mufasa quickly rolled his eyes.

"Come on, son! Let's go!" Mufasa started to race Simba up to Pride Rock, and Mufasa won.

"Hah! I win!" He joked.

"Ah, man!" Simba whined. Mufasa stuck his tongue out at Simba, playfully."Ahem. Anyway. Simba, everything the dark-- oops I mean light touches is our kingdom." Mufasa said.

"Wow!" Simba said.

"A king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king." Mufasa explained.

"You mean someday everything the light touches will be mine?" Simba asked.

"Yes, smarty pants!" Mufasa noogied him. Then he fell off Pride Rock, and dragged Simba with him.

"AAAAHHHH!" They shrieked. Once at the bottom, Mufasa dusted himself off, and they walked through the savvanah.

"Everything you see exists together. In a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance, and respect all the creatures: from the crawling ant, to the leaping antelope." Mufasa said to Simba.

"But Dad, don't we eat the antelope?" Simba asked.

"Yes, but when we die our bodies become the antelope. And the grass eat the antelope. And so, we are all connected in the great life of circle." Mufasa said. Simba gave him a look, then shrugged it off.

"Good morning, Sire!" Zazu greeted as he flew on a rock.

"Good morning, Zazu!" Mufasa greeted back.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

"Checking in, with the morning report!" Zazu exclaimed.

"Oh, that be the case, fire away!"

• Zazu

• Mufasa

• Simba

• All

It's an honor and a privilege, a duty I perform

With due sense of decorum and with pride

With deference and great respect very much the norm

Plus a hint of sycophancy on the side

To lay before my ruler all the facts about his realm

To fill him in on all the beastly news

Yes, yes, Zazu, get on with it!

In order that His Majesty stands sturdy at the helm

Aware of all the fauna's latest views

Zazu! The morning report!

Er-- yes, Sire-- the morning report

Chimps are going ape, giraffes remain above it all

Elephants remember, though just what I can't recall

Crocodiles are snapping up fresh offers from the banks

Showed interest in my nest egg but I quickly said "No thanks!"

We haven't paid the hornbills and the vultures have a hunch

Not everyone invited will be coming back from lunch

This is the morning report

Gives you the long and the short

Every grunt, roar, and snort

Not a tale I distort

On the morning report

What are you doing, son?

Pouncing

Let and old pro show you how it's done

The buffalo have got a beef

About this season's grass Stay low to the ground

Warthogs have been thwarted

In attempts to save their gas

Flamingoes in the pink and Yeah, stay low!

Chasing secretary birds

Saffron is this season's color

Seen in all the herds Shh, not a sound

Moving down the rank and file Take it slow

To near the bottom rung One more step

Far too many beetles are

Quite frankly in the dung Then pounce!

Aaaaaak!

Simba pounces

This is the morning report

Gives you the long and the short

Every grunt, roar, and snort

Not a tale I distort

On the morning report

This is the morning report

Gives you the long and the short

Every grunt, roar, and snort

Not a tale I distort

On the morning report

"That's very good!" Mufasa complimented, as he recovered from laughter.

"Well, now. Why don't you go play, and I'll--"

"Sire! Hyenas! In the Pride Lands!" Zazu interrupted.

"Zazu, take Simba to see Scar."

"Ah, Dad. Can't I come?" Simba pleaded.

"No, son."

"I never get to go anywhere!" Simba complained.

"Young Master, you're absolutely right. Woops! I mean, one day you will rule over the kingdom. Then you can chase those slobbering mangy stupid poaches from dawn, until dusk. And then some." Zazu bragged.

"Don't you think I'd get tired?" Simba asked. Zazu sighed.

"Never mind." He said. Simba shook his head.

"Hey uncle Scar! Guess what?" Simba said proudly. Scar, who had, once again, been eating altoids, choked on one and cleared his throat.

"Ahem. Technical difficulties with eating altoids." Scar explained.

"Guess what?" Simba repeated.

"Hmm, let me think. I am the best uncle in the world? I am way better then you and should rule? I despise guessing games?" Scar said, annoyed.

"Of course not! You're really bad at this, Uncle Scar." Simba laughed. Scar raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes.

"Really?" He said sarcastically.

"Yup. Anyway, I'm gonna be the king of Pride Rock!" Simba exclaimed.

"Oh really? When?" Scar was getting impatient.

"Well, according to my dad, when the sun sets."

"Oh? Well that's awfully soon." Scar rolled his eyes.

"Uncle Scar?" Simba asked. Scar looked at him slyly.

"When I'm king, what'll that make you?" He finished.

"A monkey's uncle." Scar said.

"Your so weird!" Simba answered.

"You have no idea." Scar said, slyly.

"But uncle Scar! I'm gonna be _king_!" Simba reminded him.

"Oh goody. Forgive me for not leaping for joy, bad back you know." Scar slumped onto the floor. Simba ignored him.

"My Dad just showed me the whole kingdom. And to think, some day I'll rule it all!" A look crossed Simba's face. "Does that mean I'll be a monkey?" He asked.

"Well yes, weird people are always monkeys. I mean not that _you're _weird..."

"Eh?" Simba asked.

"Well. I suppose your father didn't show what's beyond that rise at the northern border?" Scar asked.

"Uh, actually I think it's the Southern border." Simba said. Scar looked at him crossly.

"Heh. Well no. He said I can't _go _there!" Simba whined.

"And he's absolutely right! It's far too dangerous--only the bravest lions go there." Scar said.

"I'm brave. What's out there, Monkey's uncle?" Simba asked.

"Hang on, you're not king yet. Anyway, I'm sorry but an elephant graveyard is no place for a young prince. Oops!" Scar said.

"An elephant what?" Simba asked.

"Well I suppose you'd have found out sooner or later, you being so clever and all." Scar said, sarcastically.

"Just do me one favor. Promise me you'll never visit that dreadful place!" He begged.

"No problem." Simba said.

"There's a good lad. You run along now and have fun." Scar pushed Simba off.

"And remember! It's our little secret!" He reminded the cub. Simba ran off.


	3. Boring stuff that's a replica of TLK

"Hey, Nala!"

"Hi, Simba."

"Come on, I just heard about this great place."

"Simba, I'm kinda in the middle of a bath." Nala protested. Simba looked around, and sure enough, Sarafina was giving her daughter Nala a bath.

"And it's time for yours." Sarabi picked up Simba, and started licking where his mane would be.

"Mom! Mom, you're messing up my mane!" Simba protested. Sarabi looked at him lovingly as he straightened out his 'mane'.

"Okay, I'm clean. Can we go _now_?" He whined.

"So where are we going? Better not be any place dumb!" Nala threatened.

"No. It's really cool!" Simba said.

"So, where is this really cool place?" Sarabi asked.

"Well...uh..." A sly look crossed Simba's face.

"Around the water hole." He lied.

"The water hole?" Nala complained.

"What's so great about the water hole?" She put in.

"I'll show you when we _get _there!" Simba said, through clenched teeth.

"Oh. Uh, Mom can I go with Simba?" Nala asked.

"Hmm, what do you think, Sarabi?" Sarafina asked.

"PLEASE???" Simba and Nala begged.

"It's all right with me." Sarabi said.

"Yeah!"

"Alright!" The cubs jumped for joy.

"As long as Zazu goes with you." Sarabi finished.

"Oh, no. Not Zazu!" Simba complained.

"Step lively. The sooner we get to the water hole, the sooner we can _leave._" Zazu said.

"So where are we _really _going?"

"An elephant graveyard."

"Wow!"

"Sh! Zazu."

"Right. So how're we gonna ditch the dodo?"

"Oh I know how about--"

"Oh, just look at you two, little seeds of romance blossoming in the savanna! Your parents will be thrilled! What with your being betrothed and all."

"Being what?"

"Betrothed! Intended! Affianced."

"Meaning...?" Nala said, waiting for an answer.

"One day, when 'de sun sets sweet like an ember, you two will feel the sweet song of love, and you will get married!" Zazu said, trying to go beyond his own accent. Simba and Nala made disgusted faces.

"Yuck!" "Ew!" They shouted.

"I can't marry _her_," Simba insisted. "She's my _friend_."

"Yeah! That would be _so _weird!" Nala complained.

"Well, pardon me for _busting _your _bubble_. But you two turtledoves have simply no _choice!_ It's a tradition, that runs back through _generations_!" Zazu explained.

"Well," Simba laughed, "When _I'm _king, that will be the first thing to go!" he insisted.

"Not so long as I'm around." said Zazu.

"In that case you're fired."

"Nice try, but only the king can do that!" Zazu poked Simba on the nose. The lion held back for a moment.

"Well, he's the future king." Nala said.

"Yeah! I like the sound of that, _you _have to do what _I _tell you!" Simba said.

"Not yet I don't. And with an attitude like that I'm afraid you're shaping up to be a pretty pathetic king indeed."

"Not the way I see it."

**Colors:**

• Simba

• Zazu

• Nala

• Chorus

I'm gonna be a mighty king

So enemies beware!

Well, I've never seen a king of beasts

With quite so little hair

I'm gonna be the mane event

Like no king was before

I'm brushing up on looking down

I'm working on my ROAR

Thus far, a rather uninspiring thing

Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

(You've rather a long way to go, young master,

if you think...)

No one saying do this

(Now when I said that, I -)

No one saying be there

(What I meant was...)

No one saying stop that

(Look, what you don't realize...)

No one saying see here

(Now see here!)

Free to run around all day

(Well, that's definitely out...)

Free to do it all my way!

I think it's time that you and I

Arranged a heart to heart

Kings don't need advice

From little hornbills for a start

If this is where the monarchy is headed

Count me out!

Out of service, out of Africa

I wouldn't hang about

This child is getting wildly out of wing

Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

Everybody look left

Everybody look right

Everywhere you look I'm

Standing in the spotlight!

Not yet!

Let every creature go for broke and sing

Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing

It's gonna be King Simba's finest fling

Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

Oh, I just can't waaaaaait ... to be king!

"I think we lost 'im!" Nala exclaimed.

"Heh heh, yeah!" Answered Simba, laughing.

"_I, _am a _genius_."

"Hey, "genius", it was _my _idea," Nala reminded him.

"Well sure, but I pulled it off!" Simba said attempting to pounce on Nala.

"With me!" Nala got right back up.

"Oh yeah?"

"RAR!"

A geyser errupted in front of them.

"Uh!" The cubs were surprised.

They looked ahead of them. They were in the elephant graveyard!

"This is it," Simba said, proudly. "We made it."


	4. Monty

**Yay! This time, it's not a replica of TLK! Now, the story will reveal that it has a plot! gasp! Let's get on with it!**

"It's really creepy," Nala said, laughing a bit.

"Isn't it great?"

"We could get in big trouble." Nala was enjoying the pride of lying, and accomplishing something any cub would envy. Being a few years older than Simba, she was the more sassy of the two.

"I know." And just as Simba made his reply, the two heard a growling sound behind them.

"Apparently, someone here thinks we ARE trouble!" Nala said.

"Er..." Simba had never been good in these situations.

"RUN!!!!" Nala took off. Shrugging, Simba followed.

Soon, the two cubs found themselves dashing onward for their lives, hardly caring that they were straying further and further from the Pride Lands. They could see a hyena behind them, and the two terrified cubs were NOT going to get eaten, under all circumstances, said Simba. The two cubs persisted on, jaws snapping behind them, and a dark hyena face staring at them with sinister eyes. Soon, Simba and Nala came to a fork in their path.

"This way," Simba said, heading to the left.

"No. THIS way!" Nala dashed off down the right.

Not wanting to be seperated from his friend, but having all the same a terrible feeling, Simba ran after her. "Wait up for me!"

The two friends dashed on for a few minutes, until they found themselves at a dead end. "What're we gonna do?" Asked Simba.

Nala shook her head. Trembling, she said, "I don't know! We're trapped!"

The hyena was right on their heels. Simba and Nala squeezed their eyes closed as tightly as they could, and the two huddled together, quivering in fear. "Please..."

As the two prepared to feel jaws snapping against their flesh, they suddenly heard a loud snarl. Soon, not daring to open their eyes, they could hear animal snarling and fighting against animal, until the growling nearly ceased.

"I won't kill you," A mock menacing voice said.

The voice sounded only vaguely familiar to Simba, like he'd heard it once, years ago. It was a goofy, friendly-natured sounding voice, and Nala and Simba were unafraid. "That's WAY below me. But if you ever come near these cubs again, Shenzi, my sister, you won't be so lucky."

"Please Monty, have mercy... I -- don't take it personally! I was just minding business! You know we depend on Scar for food!"

"Shh..." The one called Monty said, "we don't want the little ones -- especially his daughter Nala -- to know!"

"You mean they don't KNOW?? Man, you really are thick, my brother."

There was more snarling, a snap, and whimpering. "If you are to ever harm these cubs again, I will break _much more _than that."

Who were these people? Neither name sounded familiar. And what about uncle Scar? Why was this 'Monty' trying to help them? Was this some kind of trick?! The two could hear rattly, painful breath in the background.

"Here, let me help," Monty said in a nasty voice.

Hearing whimpering, Simba could only guess that Monty was pulling his sister Shenzi off the ground. "Now GIT!"

There was more whimpering, and soon the two cubs could hear a hyena limping away from them. With fear, they opened their eyes. What they saw above them nearly scared them to death. There above them, was a huge hyena face; staring down at them. His tongue was lolling out and he was grinning broadly.

"Aah!" Simba backed off. "Please, don't eat me!"

"Wha...?" The hyena looked confused, "gross! I never eat lions! I mean, you know, some of my best friends were lions!"

Nala had newly found courage now. "Really?" She asked, smiling and moving closer to the hyena, "you are?"

The hyena nodded. "M' name's Monty. I'm the one who saved ya from m' sister Shenzi." He was gloating, holding his head high, with a brilliant smile on his face.

"Really?" Simba looked doubtful. "Why?"

"Why??" Monty was taken aback. "Ain't yer father ever toldja about ol' Monty?"

Simba was becoming suspicous. "No..."

"Aww..." Monty looked disapointed. "Well, ya see, back in the olden days, me and Mufasa, we used to be bestest friends. But ya see, Ahadi, the old king, didn' approve of that. Kenyou believe it? He didn't approve! Ahadi was predujiced! Er, whatever the word is. He didn' approve o' us bein' friends wit' each other!" Anger was filling Monty's eyes.

Simba could hardly believe his ears. Ahadi wouldn't let Mufasa and Monty be friends, just because Monty was a hyena? Clearly Ahadi hadn't known Monty very well, or he would never do such a thing! Would he?

"Me mom, she told me that Ahadi hated 's all. That is, b'fore she died. Ahadi that jerk jus' went up and killed 'er fer no arappent reason! Er, whatever the word is."

Simba stared in disbelief.

"Iss what dey call racism," Monty said, glumly.

Simba put his paw on Monty's, and stared into his eyes. "I'm really sorry."

"Yehh... thass alright." Monty smiled.

Simba grinned back at him. Sure, he was a rather odd companion, but as far as Simba was concerned, if he had four legs and could talk, he was a friend. "Welcome to the gang," He said. "Monty."

"Great!" Monty said, standing and nearly knocking Simba over.

"Yeah... heh heh..." Simba said. "Er... hate to break it up, Monty but uh... Nala and I, we gotta be getting back to the Pride Lands."

To Simba's surprise, Monty brightened. "Great!" He exclaimed. "Er... ken I come with ya guys?"

Nala looked at Simba. Simba looked at Nala. The two shrugged and began whispering to each other. Monty waited impatiently. "Okay," Nala finally said.


End file.
